brutally honest
I think I might hate me
I think that i have convinced
none                               other than self
that i do not.
That it is not my fault
that its just that no one can see the real me
but thats ego me thinks
for why would anyone want or need to take time from their very own lives to see the me only I see?
who’s version is truer?
why do i feel so selfish in my dislike of self?
so indulgent in the loathsome things i say to myself, that I am.
Judging myself incompetent or worse
capable but pathetic and lazy
I fought long and hard to find my strength, my soul
Only to find myself emerging from a spell.

A spell where i thought i had everything i wanted
But it really wasn’t anything I wanted or needed at all.
It really wasn’t even me
So i emerged finding myself
more lost than ever
and as i cam to search for my true self again
All that tied me to that life
detached
and broke more pieces of my heart along the way.

Like i had journeyed 30 + years
but was still
was stuck 25 years ago.
Like nothing is real but the truths I’ve denied myself.
Lying to self saying I unbelieved the lies.
But I still
Think them true.

Many morning I wake to battle
the sad brokenness of my heart.
She lay in heavy pieces
sunk deep within my chest
and I know I must battle
I must face it
I must acknowledge that this battle is real
that it IS
and so has reason 2b

I feel the weight and let myself sink a little.
Exploring to see exactly what it is
how i can wake in this state.
Like i reset during sleep.

and its everything, its me and my weakness and hatred for feeling as I do and guilt for naming myself so pathetic and my past and how its probably not even that bad.
How most people must have so much and worse and now; my now should be easy, must appear easy.

I should have no problems, no real ones, thats how weak i am, no problems (real ones) and still I cry, I still battle.

And I think of the world and the state its in and all the people, all those empty lonely fake lives and i feel so lost and alone, like how come i’m the weird with no ambition?

Cant you see my ambition is not for this system?
My ambition lay in Truth.

Sometimes its all too much, this life, this time, the greed and selfishness.
People so selfish, for a self they don’t really know.
And how not 2b a part of it, how not to sit home and think day after day after day, how my life is not mine?
How a trap was set long before my birth, for a whole era, a time of Lost. Where all truth in life seems lost, to bullshit, to petty little selfish goals. To it being better to be fake and just fit in, than to think for yourself. this world is so crazy to me and I can not understand it and I long and cry and beg for a piece of Truth to connect me to home, to that which I feel within me that I know is real, for its all that saves my soul. The emptiness of a clean house and a well dressed me. Its all so fucking pointless. All this shit fucking, career and money and looks and architecturally designed homes and we don’t even know ourselves.
We live for imposed goals and values derived from an imposed system of consensual  slavery and we seek naught but what we are told and we lie to our very selves to make it palatable. And we tell ourselves we will be happier if we strive to have a good job and a nice home and a new car and a life of debt, than if we were fat and toothless but actually had one true friend. On person who saw us and we in return saw them, no masks. A circle of family and friends that lived from simple Truths and shared their lives.
And we look on and ridicule them, audacious enough to feel pity for those who live full rich lives, who must know what true love and happiness feel like. So deluded and selfish and self-centred are we that we try to make them like us. As though they were too much a reminder of what we are missing.

This world built on all things that will rust and crumble. This system so strong people cannot imagine life without it, LIFE! Life! Life divine and vast and eternal in beauty and grace and lessons, they cannot imagine it beyond this one tiny pathetic possibility, of waste and greed and selfishness.

FUCK your money
I won’t live for that.

I choose more, I choose truth, I choose possibility
Given my choice infinite and divine i do not choose that.