We can be given responsibility by God but we can only take control
My psychic told me I needed to ta… I said I already knew that I came here to look before I leap
I may look like a tall glass of water but be– ware, I’m half empty
I always wondered if mimes were a type of clown until having my mind blown by the insight that
It takes talent to write a hit pie… but anyone can write a puff piece that in thirty years will read as a hit piece
Men are from Mars Women are from everywhere else
If my peccadillos Are mere cigarillos Why is my hide as thick as an arma…
The tough part about loving someon… is that connection supports autono… It’s tough to love someone enough to grant them their freedom and you can only do so
To break up with your significant other just say I need space To break it off
In the past they randomly distributed blanks amongst the firing squad so that you’d never know if you were really executing enemy…
On Fresh Air they always mention that their rock historian lives in France as if he were in exile from rock a… the same way James Joyce wrote ab…
When I got to the front of the self-checkout line I assumed there’d be a mirror but to my surprise and delight it was even better than I’d hoped
Life is simple; the meaning of life is complicated As a man I’m a simple creature but I’ve been married long enough… that women are complicated
As Amazon Prime Minister I’m ringleader of the carefree world
The most surprising aspect of the… though perhaps it shouldn’t have b… was the amount of paperwork it gen…