In the latest version of Captain… Captain America’s archenemy is Captain Obvious for all the obvious reasons

My wife and I have remained happi… because she recognizes me as capta… as long as I acknowledge her as air traffic control

It’s not that you’re jeal– ous, but that you guard your jeal– ousy jealously

The pursuit of fame is the human equivalent of a dog chasing its own tail

Beauty is in the eye of the stockholder

Just because we’re not in control Doesn’t mean we’re out of control The rest is commentary

You know a hipster is aging gracef… When he comes to see that Objects in mirror Are closer than they appear

Once again, we find ourselves unable to avoid asking– Why do so many people hate Jews to the point of wanting to see the… But let’s refine the question,

Anticipation or dread work equally well at stopping time though the length of the work week

They weren’t allowed to forcibly i… but in 2032 the Supreme Court app… for those who refused In a stroke of luck I was assigne… to the “Canadian” tar sands

As an American I have a posteriori knowledge that Americans pretend without reason to a priori knowledge of the other

I’ve always been more interested in who wrote the book of self-love

When I said That’s none of your business they replied Actually, that’s our entire busine…

It’s always darkest before the yawn

Here’s the deal: You have no say in any of this but that doesn’t mean you can’t still have your way if you learn to see things our way