Less self-interest is in your best interest except on Pinterest

I’ll give you the forest And I’ll take the trees You save the whales And I’ll keep the bees The sand in your eyes

My wife is a lot like God If God weren’t perfect Like Him, she’s my toughest criti… But also my fiercest champion

All men come with self-destruct bu… If he seems to be missing one, you’re the button

The first half of life: Did I say that? The second half of life: I did say that The end of life:

The ego always has three choices: 1. It can listen to the id and do what it wants to do 2. It can listen to the superego a… what it is supposed to do

All of reality is a temptation To believe in yourself But if you do You’ll never get it– Self-confidence is always lacking

Because desire is lack like everyone else I take what I can’t get until I learn to give what I can

The world is a cast of characters Social media is a caste of caricatures

It’s only once you realize There’s no such thing As your own success That you avoid becoming A victim of your own success

Whistler’s mother had just spent a long day with Whis– tler’s mother-in-law

Fox News said it was “Fair and B… which supposedly meant that it was… because it was balanced but really it meant that it was fa… because it wasn’t balanced–

Our brains are just big enough to operate eight fingers and two thumbs An octopus is smart but if it also had

When they closed all the beaches my dad said not to worry and I just knew he’d install the swimming pool I’d always wante… Instead, I came home from school

My wife is R2-D2 Which, of course Makes me C-3PO She is constantly getting us into… In order to save us from ourselves