Instead of shooting bullets into t… to celebrate I raise my leaf blower towards the… On blue moons I do this from my jet ski

For a long time, the centrists were at the center of attention where the action was But now they find themselves at the center of a hall of mirrors

Optimism Hope without optimism Hope against hope Unconditional surrender Noncontingent being

Ours was the first all you can eat… to earn a coveted Michelin star and I always thought it was becaus… when you ordered the whole enchila… it came with bottomless fries

Home is where you go and you have to take their shit-eating grin

In phase one we lived in order to live In phase two we talked in order to live In phase three,

Gracious me! Now that college Has become a finishing school There are no starter homes

If you take the cognitive map of… and rip it in half you’re left with two Google Maps: the one on the right of Israel

It’s all over but for the shouting and this is the shouting

Those who can do talk shows Those who can’t teach others to show, don’t tell

Everyone thinks Vladimir and Estr… stay together because they’re both waiting for Godot when really it’s their mutual disdain for Wile E. Coyote

There is the rule of law Which is self-explanatory Or there is the law of rule Which will always be explained to…

There are two types of men: Those who lie to deceive and those who by lying tell you what they really believe There is one type of woman:

Whenever I hurt someone I’m sure that I’m a honeybee about to die But it always turns out that I’m…

The internet is the opposite of th… When a memory is repressed you get it back even though you can’t remember it But when it is memory-holed