No Heart, No Brain -
I came here, to this new world– not with courage.
I knew where i was going, i knew i had people.
I knew i had support– financial, emotional & mental.
I came prepared. I needed to make it through.
I came not just for me. For you & me.
But now, i had to leave that place i found comfort in.
I have to face the fact that people leave.
I need to learn to adapt again.
I need to believe i can do it without any support.
To change my home, was tiresome but ohkay.. I did it.
To move to a new place had its own new adventures to look forward to it...
To make new friends is difficult but a slow growth...
But to leave you was not something i can cope with. I failed.
I smile, wake-up, carry on with life and go by days.
I work, i party, i walk, talk, dance, run, jump & scream!
But i cry as i lay in bed every night before i sleep.
I look at that last video i took on loop till my eyes hurt. I wish they bleed.
I knew as i recorded us in the train that day–
This is my last piece of us to take with me.
I smile when i look at it. Oh how in love i was–
Tears roll down my cheek. Oh how still in love i am!
Could you come back and fix everything?
Would it make sense to go back to where we wer?
How can i move ahead when my heart is not with m?
I live everyday, i go by chores, mechanically. Unconsciously.
You call a little less now. You call only to hear not to see anymore.
You considerately ask if i am alright. ‘Hows your health?’
You hesitate to ask whats new. ‘Have you said yes?’
How do i tell you– tell you that I’m still stuck on you.
I talk to ten people to process their thoughts and words–
Just to avoid having to process my own!
Even them, i watch as they leave,
Only to know today they are here,
tomorrow i’m on my own.
Oh dear i miss you so–
i miss you so more than i have–,– i ever did before.
Should i tell you that i miss you?
Should i call you ten times a day?
Can i tell you i wish you’d make everything ohkay?
Or should i step away, so you can grow.
I don’t wish to mess up your mind, like i have mine..
I want not for you to avoid my voice in fear
In fear of bringing you back to the hopeless loops.
You and me. Oh dear lord help us see–
I’ve lost control of myself.
I am a dead weight, floating by.
Mechanical. Robotic. Responding–
I have no thought of my own left—No heart, no brain.
